My Walk, My Journey...My Thoughts (c) JNK

Working Through the Pain....

2010-05-30T18:43:00.000-07:00

In the last six months of my life I have lost several friends and family members; the most painful have been my grandmother, my spiritual advisor and my sister. I internalize my emotions and don’t do well with accepting that I have them but I deal with things in my way. It isn’t traditional…it is just me. God understands my complicated ways and works with me….

I believe he speaks to me through epiphanies…its kind of weird. I was running the other day and my legs were cramping something AWFUL. My body wanted to stop, fall over and pass the HECK out but there was something in me that said ‘keep going, work through the pain’. So I kept running and the cramps in my legs eventually began to fade. Eventually, I was able to run and the pain subsided and all that mattered to me was that I would be able to finish the run…and I did. I finished and IT FELT GREAT!

The interesting thing was that while the pain was fading a little voice reminded me that the same philosophy should apply in life.

Life can be painful. This year I lost several people that I loved dearly and it hurt like all get out. My grandmother died before my first semester finals and my sister before my second semester finals….but I knew that I had to keep pushing…keep in prayer and keep sane! Lol God didn’t give me the opportunity to go to law school so that I could fail out…he gave me the opportunity to succeed no matter how difficult the challenge would be.

I had NO idea how I was going to make it through, but I did. God is amazing baby and don’t you ever doubt it. If I didn’t have faith in God I would not have had the courage to work through the pain, I wouldn’t have had the gumption to think that I was worth it. I would have given up and walked away. But God didn’t allow that….he gave me strength, encouragement, and supportive people that helped me make it through the pain.

It’s just like a runner learning to run…you can’t run distance if you don’t work through the pain and build your endurance. It’s the same thing with life…you can’t progress and move forward if there is no pain to work through. You won’t know what you are made of and won’t know your strength if everything in life is easy. As difficult as the pain is, embrace it baby…it means that God wants you to grow. He wants you to do well. If you don’t go through anything…that’s when you should be concerned.

There is no progress without pains…ask God to help you through the pain, through the hurt and through the trials. You can do it because I know you can…and no I don’t know you...lol But I do know that God brought me through my first year of law school while enduring the death of my grandmother, my spritual advisor, my sister and SEVERAL other personal trials. If I can make it trough this year, baby, you can make it as well. Use your faith to guide you and be your inspiration.

Working through the pain,

JNc

Know Your Worth....

2009-11-17T17:15:00.000-08:00

We have all had a friend call us and tell us about what is going wrong with their relationship or even worse when a relationship ends. We have also had that same friend call us and start dropping hints of reentering the relationship again or tinkering with the idea of 'dating' again...and you have wanted to just SCREAM and shake the hell out of them and say 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?'

I think we have all been there....on either side of the phone.

I was the friend on the dialing end for many years.

I had dated a guy off and on for about ten years; and in those 10 years I had been cheated on, disrespected, taken advantage of, disregarded...I could go on with the descriptions but I think you get the point. For ten years I thought that he was the love of my life, that he would be my husband and through all we had been through that is was bound to work...it had to, right?

WRONG.

It was a cathartic moment. I was laying in the bed waking up from a nap and he was ironing. He picked up the phone and dialed...a few seconds passed and he said happy birthday and went on to have a full fledged conversation with another woman. He thought I was asleep. It was me laying on that bed and listening to him talk to another woman when I realized that I needed to let go. Because he was never going to change. I gave him every bit of me and was more patient than anyone would have ever expected...and he hadn't changed so it was time for me to let go. Let go of the hope, the possibility and ultimately him.

That was the toughest phone call I had ever made....I attempted the call about five times before actually let the phone ring on his end. My heart was pounding, I was crying, I was afraid. But I did it. He picked up. We exchanged pleasantries and I just said it. 'I can't do this anymore.' He tried to act like he didn't know what I was talking about, but in his heart he knew. I told him that I just can't do this anymore and that I was tired of being an option...and that I was ready to be a priority. I explained that I knew he wasn't ready and that was ok...but that I was ready for something else and I needed to move on.

When I called my girlfriends...as usual they thought that I was crying wolf...again. I'm sure they didn't believe me but I think that I finally after two and a half years...they may finally believe me. lol

I say all of this to say these things:

Be strong enough to walk away. The best relationship advice I ever got was from a man. He asked me if I give every bit of effort I had in me to make it work the first time and when I responded yes he said to walk away. He said that there was a reason I walked away the first time and nine times out of ten I would walk away for the same reasons again. He was right. And so I say to you that if you have put in everything you have...given everything you've got and it didn't work. Walk away. You deserve to receive all of the effort you give. Its not an excuse that he doesn't know how, its not an excuse that he was hurt before and its not an excuse that he is the way he is. You are the way you are and you know that you deserve more, require it. Demand it. Stop settling. He will only do what you allow him to do. That doesn't mean that men don't make mistakes. Hell, we all do. But know your worth and set your boundaries.

Your history with a person means nothing if they don't respect it. Your past with a person means nothing if it is holding you back from a better future. Don't hold on for the sake of holding on. Remember that.

Friends - listen. Don't critique and don't judge.That doesn't mean that you can't interject a little common sense here and there but don't make your friend feel bad for being vulnerable. Be supportive.

Lastly, never make anyone a priority that makes you an option. Do a gut check and listen with your mind and not your heart. Trust yourself. I promise that once you get over that initial pain of letting go...you will feel SO much better.

J

Love you 'til Death

2009-11-16T18:26:00.000-08:00

Ok so these 'installments' are in no particular order...I am just writing as it flows. Not even taking the time to proof...don't want to take away from the passion (*side eye* - in other words, excuse my laziness lol)

My sister was married several year ago...She married a man that she only knew for 11 months. As you can imagine, she got a lot of slack for marrying a guy she barely knew. I'm sure that their marriage has been far from squeaky clean but I can only give you my perspective. I wonder if he knew what he was getting himself into....

My sister is and for most of her life has been ill. She has lupus, heart problems that require a pacemaker and has had about 3 or 4 types of cancers that i can remember...the most recent was brain cancer. Doctors told her that no lives for longer than a year after brain radiation.

Well middle fingers to her docs...it's been 2 years.

And EVERY step of the way my brother in law has been there for her. He takes her to her appointments, he makes sure she has her medication, he makes sure that their daughter is provided for...he works ALL day and then comes home to take care of his wife.

I mean seriously, through sickness and through health is a deep pledge when you really think about it.

From what I can see, he has taken those vows seriously and is committed to seeing that his wife and daughter are provided for and taken care of at all times. It's admirable to say the least.

Through her memory lapses, anger outbursts, and what seems to be dementia at times...he has stayed by her side. I am sure that like the rest of us he is scared pissless about the possibility of losing her. But he has committed to love her 'til death and is doing just that.

********

Many times, I can't even talk to her because I know the pain she is in...constantly in and out of hospitals...I just can't deal with it. It's too hard. It's selfish. But honestly, I don't deal with emotions well. I tuck them away in a place where I don't have to deal with them...emotionally stunted is what some folks call it. I, on the other hand, call it protecting the sanctity of sanity. It's a cop out I know...but I do what I can.

Tomorrow will be my sister's 41st birthday. She is a fighter. She is where I draw my strength when I think that I can't push on...I figure that if she can push through damn near every type of cancer and not knowing what is going on with your body...I can push through my miscellaneous mess (and I do say miscellaneous lightly).

I sometimes write her letters to let her know that I am thinking of her. I love her dearly and am AFRAID to lose her. She is so strong and has been a fighter all of her life. I am afraid for my mother, my sister (her bff), her daughters....

Trying to be accepting of God's will but it is not easy.

But, I will call her tomorrow and tell her that it's until death do us part and beyond.

She is one of my very few rocks that I stand on. She is my big sister that I call when I need encouragement to buy something I have NO business buying. She is the one I call to vent to because I know that she it will give her pleasure to not think about her ailments for just a few minutes and to focus on something else.

She is my rock, she is my sister. I love her even after death do us part...

So it begins

2009-11-16T17:51:00.000-08:00

It all begins and ends with God.

I didn't realize that until a few years ago. It was by happenstance that I heard about a woman call Prophetess. Until meeting this woman, my faith in God was shaken. I didn't (and still don't) go to church because of the hypocrisy that I saw in my family members' churches. They were actively gay leaders in the church denouncing homosexuality, they were married men cheating, they banned their wives from the church, I could go on and on. Bottom line they were (and continue to be) hypocrites. And while I've never had a strong sense of 'church', I've always had a strong sense of what was right and wrong, what was fair, and that all judging should be left to God. I knew that no one was perfect and that we all had room to grow. I'm not sure I would quite call that spirituality at the time, but it was definitely the spark that lit the flame.

Today, I call myself a spiritual person..and I thank the woman they call Prophetess for that. I met her about two years ago. A friend of a friend told me about her and OF COURSE I was skeptical and OF COURSE I went to see her anyway. This woman told me things about myself that I had NEVER told anyone...I cried so hard. She read me like a book - for the good and the bad - and then let me know that it would be ok. It was the first time in my life that I had heard those words and believed them.

I left her that day knowing that there was a God and He had not abandoned me or forgotten. Rather, that He had been preparing me for a journey and was about to pull me toward Him so that I would never doubt Him again. So there would be no confusion...so that I was would always remember that He runs the show and not me...and BABY when I tell you I learned the hard way...know it is true and hard core fact!

I tell you all of this so that you know a few things:

-No matter what rough spots you go through God will never abandon you. He is preparing you for something and either something in you, around you, or about you needs to change. As much a juxtaposition as it may be, sometimes everything that happens to you or around you isn't about you. It's a hard pill to swallow, but you have got to trust in His will.

- That I have the courage to write and share all that I've been through because of God. Because of his faithfulness to me. Don't get me wrong this is going to HARD but I know in my heart that it needs to be done. It's my testimony. I only hope that someone will benefit from it.

- I don't write any of this seeking sympathy. Life is what it is...I can only feel blessed that I have and continue to make it through. MY strength, although I didn't always know it, was and continues to be derived from God. Let yours be the same!

J

It's been decided...

2009-11-16T17:43:00.001-08:00

So after encouraging words from an internet friend, I decided that it is time for me to write more often. I've decided that I will begin to chronicle some of the most important moments of my life. Those critical moments that have made me who I am today: good, bad, and in between. I have no regrets, but I do have a lot of pain. By chronicling some of these events, I hope that two things happen: 1 - that I can begin to release some of the pain and continue my push forward to be the woman God intended me to be and 2 - that through all that I've been through - every mistake and learning opportunity - that by sharing these moments I can help someone else through what they are going through or can even help them seek clarity through their own shortcomings and issues.

It's been decided that there are no regrets, there is no shame, and there will no more pain....

My friends and I have often joked about writing a book telling our story and sharing our experiences....I will consider this my rough draft. ;-)

Here goes nothing....

J

Missing You Already

2009-10-19T18:06:00.000-07:00

On my 5th birthday I remember being called from my bedroom by grandmother. She made me close my eyes before she revealed my birthday gift to me. I was so excited. When I was finally allowed to open my eyes I saw the BESTEST birthday a girl could ever want....a girly bike and in the basket was some girly perfume. Now I say girly because I can't remember if it was a Strawberry Shortcake or some other foo-foo girl cartoon of the times. (I am almost sure it was Strawberry Shortcake but I can't be sure...because for some reason I remember the bike having purple in it...and clearly she was all about pink)

I remember that day because it was one of few happy moments in my childhood. My grandmother, Madear, wasn't always the best grandmother in the typical sense. She didn't cook, sew or bake. She was young at heart and while she loved her grandkids, she loved hanging out. So when we visited we were kind of given cart blanche to do what we wanted. I used to take these mink thingees that she would have draped across he couches (that were also covered in plastic! lol) and play dress up with them. Madear has TONS of nice things...she prided herself on some of those 'classy' things...some of those same materialistic things that put up major roadblocks to her relationship with her own children.

She wasn't a great mother. She didn't grow up with much so when she did come into money she spent it lavishly...instead of spending time with her kids she spent money on them.

I don't think she really realized the shoulda/coulda/woulda moments until it was way too late. She became addicted to drugs and at that point her kids and siblings treated her like a leper, like she was beneath them. She fortunately kicked the habit, but it came as a result of cancer. The first time. She fought and she survived. And while liquor was still a preference for drowning out her pain and mistakes of years past, she tried to face some of those mistakes.

She still didn't bake, cook, or sew....but she was still my grandmother. In my eyes, she had a ton of flaws and I love her because of them.

I would never know her pain if we hadn't had several 'grown folk' conversations now that I'm older. She 'fessed up to all that she had done wrong and her regrets. It still hasn't settled that she can't take back being a bad mother, but I had to remind her that it takes a hell of a woman to admit that and even apologize for it.

If it were not for her, I would never know what it means to be honest with myself - about the good and the bad. And while I can't condone how she dealt with her pains, she did the best she could with what she had at the time.

When I found out that she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in December 3, 2007 it was probably one of the worst days of my life. I was in Montreal for work and dealing with the fact that I hated my job and other family and relationship issues. (It was the day my transition began...)

She's been through experimental surgeries, chemo, radiation and every other possible aid her doctors could think of to make her better. During all of that pain, I made it my responsibility to make sure that she had food, ensure, and got to all of her appointments. It was stressful, but I didn't care. It was my grandmother and if it were not for her I would be here today...

She was cancer free for 6 months after the surgery...until the pancreatic cancer returned.

It was at that point that she lost her will to fight. She stopped eating, she stopped taking her medication, she became extremely disoriented...and it was at that point that I realized how sick she really was. My grandmother, my madear, wouldn't answer the phone or return my calls, it took her a while to recognize me when I visited her...she was becoming a woman I didn't know. Through everything else she's endured...she fought and to see her not fighting anymore was a huge blow.

Today

It dawned on me that I hadn't heard from her in a while...I called her and my father answered. He told me that she was at her sister's...that set off red flags immediately. She ALWAYS wants to go home so the fact that she was there let me know that something was wrong. He told me that she was worse and that the doctors recommended hospice because there was nothing else they could do for her.

Devastated, crushed, hurt, anger, pain, empty, sad...those are only some of the feelings that I felt. It's one thing to know it's coming but still hope for the best...but when that hope is snatched from you within moments...I can't even describe the feeling. It hurts so bad. Even after talking to her and looking for a glimmer of hope in her voice...nothing changed. I could here that she was tired, in pain and weak...she is no longer fighting.

I knew that this day would come...the day where it would hit me like a ton of bricks because I realized that everything her doctors told me was true. That it would be a blessing if she made it past 6 months....she has...and it is a blessing. But it doesn't make the pain any easier or the hurt any less. I selfishly don't want her to go...I just don't.

But I know she will.

2009-10-08T14:38:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to blog about transitions for over a month. It wasn't until today that I realized that I had already done a blog (in form of an essay a few months ago) on transitions.

The moral of the story is this:

You don't know what God has planned for you. So when you feel like you are getting a swift kick in the ass...accept it. Not only could it be worse, but you should look at it as a blessing. God doesn't make folks struggle for nothing. If you have struggled or gone through something that seemingly is HORRIBLE, know that it's God bringing you through a transition that you so desperately need. Don't be worried. You only need to be worried if there is or has never been any struggle. The key is having faith because God will not let you down. Hold up your end of the bargain and fight like there is no tomorrow because when that day does come, as mine has, you will be so thankful for all of the pain. That doesn't mean that the pain is over, it just means that you are closer to where God wants and needs for you to be. Accept it. Embrace it.

Sending hugs your way,

J. Nicole

***********************************************************

Modified it just a bit....

When asked what I wanted to do when I grew up my reply was always ‘a lawyer’. I had never been exposed to any attorneys or anyone in corporate America to even understand the concept, but I knew in my heart that it was my destiny to be an attorney.

I grew up in an impoverished neighborhood, a broken home, and among family and friends who were on drugs and in and out of jail. At some point, I found myself on a path that was headed in the opposite direction of my dream. My ambition was low and my goals were dissipating. I was on a path of destruction and if I had continued I could have ended up on drugs and in and out of jail like some of my family members.

My middle school counselor, Mrs. Ziiyad, helped me to see that my path was one that was destructive and guaranteed failure. She helped me get into Nicolet High School, a school known for its excellent academic program. It was my entrée into that school that helped me to change direction and reclaim my dream of being an attorney. I took a class called ‘Introduction to Law’ and ‘Legal Case Studies’ that further sparked my interest. The classes gave me insight into what I would be expected to do if I were an attorney. It was exciting to learn how to make logical decisions that forced me to think like an attorney. It was in those classes that I began to appreciate the law for it’s showing me how to think outside of my tiny box and look at issues from all perspectives.

Throughout high school I continued to excel academically and socially. I became a varsity cheerleader, worked part-time as a teen peer mentor advising other teenagers of the dangers of unprotected sex, and graduated as a member of the National Honor Society. In spite of all my success, I had to deal with the troubles of a disrupted home and endure the pain of dealing with a mother who was in jail and an alcoholic father. Those challenges motivated me to continue my education.

Attending college was one of the best decisions I ever made. I developed an interest in business and accepted a position as a Corporate Relations intern for Miller Brewing Company, one of the world’s largest brewers. My role was to manage their Miller Brewing Company Employee Fund. While working there I developed my tenacity and drive; I learned to manage a project from inception to completion while ensuring its success. Attending law school was still a goal for me, but I pursued MBA to hone the skills that I learned on my job. I was accepted to Clark Atlanta University’s MBA program for the fall of 2002.

I was the first in my family to receive an undergraduate and graduate degree. It wasn’t easy. While at Clark Atlanta University, I suffered the loss of my grandmother, nephew, godmother and a mentor. There were times while I was working full-time and taking classes that I wasn’t sure how I was going to pay my rent or even eat. But, I knew that I had to succeed and keep my faith in God that I would survive and use my experiences as an opportunity for character growth. At this point in my life failing was not an option.

After graduating I took a position with Union Pacific Railroad to do marketing and sales. My responsibility was the development, end-to-end execution and continuous improvement of customer engagement with the end goal of increasing customer lifetime value and overall revenue and profit. During my two-year tenure, I successfully completed several projects and was promoted twice. I learned and put to use the skills that I mastered in business school – drive for results, analytical and strategic thinking ability and leadership ability. I was recruited to do a similar position with CN Railway for top chemical accounts. My successes were equally as satisfying. After two years as an Account Manager with CN Railway, I realized that I was headed in a direction that would destine me to be a great sales executive.

I had become comfortable with my job and my career progression, but it was an email from a friend with a Lao-Tzu quote that said, “If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading” that reminded me that I needed to make a change in my path or I would end up as a great sales executive and not the attorney that I dreamed of being. I realized that it was time for a change and that everything that happened in my life had prepared me for my next step – law school.

Today I am ready to change my direction and to accomplish my goal of becoming an attorney.

I want to be an attorney, not only because it was a childhood dream, but because of what I can contribute to corporate law firms and corporations. My five years work experience has provided me a unique perspective of understanding the inner workings of a corporation and how missteps in the workplace can be detrimental to a company. My MBA program helped me master my strategic thinking, analytical skills, and drive for results. It was in that program that I learned that hard work and preparation is essential – both skills that I mastered.

My education and experience are what I plan to contribute to the field of law but . I am driven and am passionate about becoming an attorney and will succeed. It’s my destiny.

Words From a Little Black Girl

2009-08-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

Today I read an article (http://necolebitchie.com/2009/08/12/shes-pretty-for-a-dark-skinned-girl )by Tameka Foster (Usher’s estranged wife) entitled “Cute for a Dark Skinned Chick”. It really struck a chord because in almost every word I read…I read my story – except for the part about the tummy tuck of course lol.

Remember in middle school, there were those ‘rank the boys/girls from 1 -10’ score sheet like forms where 1 was the worst and 10 was the best. (Maybe that‘s where the term ‘dime piece’ came from, I digress.) Well when I was in the 6th grade, I like all girls, was subject to the ranking system. Well after the drum roll and the results were announced, with comments no less, I was ranked pretty well. But it was something in that ranking that would haunt me through my adult life. One of the comments came from Adrian Johnson; Adrian was one of the cuter more athletic guys in the class so he was pretty popular. Adrian’s comment was that that I would be cuter if I was lighter.

WHAT THE FUGG!?!?!?!

My ego and my heart were crushed. Not because a popular guy thought I was average and ranked me a 6 but because ALL of the boys in the class agreed with him!

Again, WHAT THE FUGG!?!?!?!?

As you can imagine, I was horrified that I was too dark to be attractive to the boys and that no boy would ever like me. I often got teased because I was darker than most (which really wasn’t that dark I realized as an adult). I mean, I got called anything from tar baby to blurple. And it is mainly why I stayed in trouble so much in middle school. At some point I began to lash out so much that I was suspended almost weekly. (While still maintaining a 3.5+ GPA by the way *clearing my throat*) I became angry and didn’t understand why. So that, along with other family issues put me over the top…so much that I was almost kicked out of school because I was so busy trying to compensate for my complexion and other things.

It wasn’t until my adult life that I realized that my color/complexion had no bearing on who I was as a person. It was me…ME…the girl with a great personality that loves to laugh and be social, who is caring and kind…SHE is the person that matters. Not the dark skinned girl. It took me YEARS to get to that point. And it still may be the underlying reason why I am not attracted to light skinned men…because I try and over compensate and prove that being dark is okay by only dating dark men. (Which is another blog in itself and yes, it defeats the lesson I learned if that is indeed the reason – still working on figuring that out…)

All of that to say two things:

1. As a people (black folk) we have got to stop being so judgmental with one another. We need to start embracing our difference and accepting them. We have enough challenges in working to love and understand other cultures, races, religions…love ourselves should be come with ease. And while we have historical reasons that are embedded in our culture that sometime make it difficult, we have got to work toward a more civil approach with one another. It’s sad to say that there are times that I have had more support and comfort from another race/culture/whatever than I have had from other black folk.

2. Love yourself first. Without self love and God nothing is possible. I look at some of my nieces and see the self destructive behavior and recognize that they just don’t love themselves…and maybe they don’t know how. But that doesn’t make it any more acceptable to sleep around, strip, and engage in WRECKLESS behavior. If you have self love, nothing any one says about you will matter because you know who you are and accept who you are. It’s sometimes difficult to get to that point…but it must be done. This world will eat you alive if you don’t.

I love you…now make sure you love you!

God Bless

Reason and Seasons

2009-08-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

Random thought #2 of the day…

In all of my preparations for moving and saying goodbye to all of my friends and associates in Chicago…I realized that I’m really not all THAT sad anymore. Not because there won’t be anyone to miss but because of my own most notable quote – ‘friendship is about the length of time in which you’ve known someone, but the quality of the person you befriend.’

I know that some people just aren’t meant to stay or even be in your life. (A lesson I’ve learned to learn the hard way and will be blogging about at some point.) And while I’ve had a ton of fun in Chicago there are just people I won’t be keeping up with…not because I won’t have time in school…I just don’t want to. Don’t feel they serve a purpose. There are others that I will just check in on…and others that are mainstays and will probably get called often … or as often as time permits.

God doesn’t always make his plans clear for why people are in your life but I can only hope that some of these folks I’ve befriended will be around for the long haul. I’ve met a few sensational characters…others *shrugs*….lol

Friendships are just like relationships…if you pay attention you can notice the things that aren’t what you want, need or require in a friendship and you can place folks in their boxes and pull them out when needed. Sounds harsh but it is true. There are folks that I only call to hang out…or only know that I can party with them…that’s it. Others I call when I want to talk…there are very few folks that I call with everything….only 2 people in this world that probably know me well…and one of those may be shaky depending on what it is. Everyone doesn’t need to know you’re inner and outer cores…and you don’t need to know everyone’s. Accept that God doesn’t always make it for you to have a ton of real friends or folks that stick around forever. I personally feel it’s impossible to keep a ton of TRUE friends forever.

That’s why I laughed when an old friend said ‘Promise you will keep in touch.’…and if you know me I laughed and said I will do what I can….

I didn’t mean to be crass, but the reality of the situation is we were close in high school and have only talked a few times since then, I have enough close friends and trying to incorporate another one would be too much of a task. Love her to pieces, but I could never make that promise to her.
Hope it doesn’t sound mean…but I’ve come to accept that not everyone is supposed to be around forever or if they are around you have to accept that the capacity of relationships change and evolve.

Off my soapbox, but remember that…relationships evolve. Good, true, and meaningful relationships are few and far between and not everyone is supposed to stick around forever. There is a reason/season for everything and everyone.

God Bless.

Random Thoughts on Social Networking

2009-08-12T10:04:00.000-07:00

It’s amazing what social networking will do for a shy person!

While many wouldn’t call me shy when watching me work my magic in my volunteer roles, put me in a room with too many strangers and freeze up. I can’t think, I don’t know what to say, I think people a not interested…I completely shut down. It’s funny because folks look at me an instantly laugh when they say I’m shy…but most times it’s because I’ve had a few drinks to calm my nerves and help me get through…lol

(Still don’t understand why I’m going to law school bc that’s ALL that lawyers do! Lol)

Social networking definitely provides a guard that any shy person would love. You don’t have to see ANYone face to face and you can just say whatever you want to random strangers and after a while it becomes fun.

In the last few months, I’ve become ADDICTED to twitter and have made great ‘twiends’ with many folks. Not only are they supportive but they are funny as heck. I love Twitter! If you are shy…try it. Next thing you know you will be hanging at ‘tweet ups’ and taking twit pics! You will love it. If you don’t I will give you a refund…lol

2009-06-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

So on the heels of my great grandmother’s death there have been a slew of celebrities and other around me that have passed. It was when Michael Jackson passed on my birthday and word that a friend from high school was killed by a drunk driver that it made it feel like I had been hit by a sack of rocks.

This morning on the ride into work and thinking of my friend from high school, I wondered what all this death around me meant…was it a sign, a message, what? The first thing that came to mind was that while everything in our lives doesn’t happen to benefit us, it does sometimes have a rhyme or reason for those around us. That doesn’t mean, however, that we can’t take SOMEthing from the experience.

I initially thought that maybe this was a sign to recognize my own mortality and those close to me and to tell everyone that you loved them, etc…. But that wasn’t it. I didn’t realize what I could take from the fact that there has been death SWARMING in the air around me for the last month or so until this morning. There were two things….

First:

I read one of my daily devotions and it said:

‘Christ sees people far differently than we do. Throughout the Gospels we see a pattern in the way Jesus taught His disciples. Whenever He saw the multitudes, Jesus would reveal to the disciples what was on His heart for the people. Jesus wanted His disciples to share His love for the people. The disciples did not always understand all He was telling them, but He assured them that later the Holy Spirit would reveal the significance of His words.’ (John 14:25–26)
I immediately took that to mean that things happen around us ALL the time and it’s not always meant for us to understand, but to have faith and accept that God has a plan. And if HE so decides, that it may not be until later in life when God reveals his reasoning and that it will all fit together like a puzzle for us.

Second:

I believe the Spirit put on my heart that, especially in the wake of MJ’s passing, that the material things that we sometime treasure and refuse to let hold of are the very things that can take us out. (Although, I believe MJ’s issues and drug use are far more complicated than I could understand) The bible reminds us that God should be the only god of our life…not money, not clothes, not cars. If we remember and act on that, he will provide us with eternal life. Simply put!

The latter is a lesson I have been learning over the last year. When laid off, a ton of the material things that I would focus on I could no longer afford. I was stripped just about to the bare minimum before I before began to focus on God. When I did focus on his will for me things began to change. I am growing as a person and am okay with who I am finally! That in itself is a blessing.

All of that to say, if there is a lesson to be taken from the recent deaths of celebrities and those around let it be to put God first and remember that his gift of eternal life will be your reward if you do.

Rest in peace those who have gone before us and God bless those of us who are still here!

Rachel Joy Scott - God's Work

2009-04-21T17:26:00.001-07:00

As many of you know I have been substitute teaching in a suburb in Chicago. For the last week, I have been teaching the same kids and have come to know them pretty quickly. Today, we had an assembly to discuss the 10-year anniversary of the Columbine shootings. Many of these kids didn't know what happened or couldn't even begin to grasp the concept until AFTER the presentation.
THE PRESENTATION
With all the students on the bleachers and on the floors, a young –but very commanding- man began to talk about the Columbine shootings and specifically a young woman named Rachel Joy Scott. Rachel was one of the first students to be killed that day. Her story was amazing and so touching that I had to write about it.
From a young age Rachel always said that she would be famous and she would make an impact on the lives of others. At the age of 13, on the back of her dresser, she outlined her hands and in them wrote something similar to this - These are the hands of Rachel Joy Scott and they will touch the hearts of millions one day. 'What a powerful statement for a 13 year old ' I thought.
In high school, Rachel made it a priority to reach out to those that seemed to not fit in (which makes it all the more ironic that she died by the hands of outcasts) and she required it from her friends.
The purpose of the presentation to the students was to encourage them to do the same and to hopefully prevent situations like Columbine from happening again.

GOD'S WORK
I've been on a spiritual walk and am learning to accept and see God's work when it happens. This presentation was just that. This is why….
• Rachel for the last few years of her life had told friends and family that she would die young. She often would write about this in her journals. One entry, a few weeks before her death, said something to the effect that she would soon die, not by suicide, but by homicide and that the ways of the world would kill her. For those of you who didn't know, the boys that killed her decided on April 20th to do the killings because it was Hitler's birthday. (Again ironic because those who worshiped Hitler killed her as she was working diligently to help people get over prejudices. Anne Frank was her idol and she died by Hitler's same hate. They both were very optimistic about change and spreading that hope to those around them)
• Two bullies in school were picking on a disabled boy that was teased quite often in school I should add. Rachel saw this and intervened and threatened to kick the boys' behinds. (mind you she had to only have been MAYBE 115 and 5 feet some odd inches tall….lol) Rachel befriended the young man and they became acquaintances. The same day that he was being picked on and Rachel intervened was the SAME day that he had planned to kill himself. He said that if it had not been for Rachel intervening and befriending him that he would have killed himself that day.
• A man in OH called Rachel's father a few weeks after her death and told him that he had been dreaming about Rachel. He dreamed Rachel's eyes crying 13 tears and those tears were causing a rose to grow from the earth. A day or so later her father picked up her belongings from the police station. Her bookbag was kept as evidence because a bullet traveled though it after going through her body. Her father found her journal and in that journal there was the EXACT image drawn that the man from OH mentioned on the phone. Even more amazing, 13 people were killed in the Columbine shootings.
• Weeks before she died he attitude changed and became more somber. The day that she died she drew a picture of a rose growing from a columbine flower. The rose is America's national flower and the columbine flower is what inspired the name school. Her journal said that the evil ways of the world would be the cause of her death. The evils of world/America/rose (however you want to see it) growing out of a columbine. WOW!!!!
• Her brother, Craig, was in the library as his sister was being killed less than 100 feet away. He thought the noises were firecrackers until a teacher came in screaming frantically for all students to get under the tables. As the sounds of guns unloading drew closer, he and his two friends followed her instructions. The library is where most of the killing was done and needless to say the boys were afraid. One killer walked up to the table where Craig and his two friends were and killed one friend then shouted racial slurs to Craig's other friend – a black young man. After shouting racial slurs to him, they killed him. They were about to kill Craig when the sprinkler system came on and distracted them. Craig's life was spared…LITERALLY by the grace of God. Think of how terrible it would have been for those parents' to lose two of their children. Craig, after TONS of therapy, has gone on to be a film producer. He works on films that are ONLY positive because he feels that kids need positivity and that it was the negativity that influenced the Columbine boys to go on a shooting spree that day.
The goal of the presentation was to encourage students to do 5 things:
1. Eliminate prejudice by looking for the best in others
2. Dare to dream – set goals and keep a journal
3. Choose your influences – input equals output
4. Kind Words – small acts of kindness=HUGE impact
5. Start a chain reaction with family and friends

The students were challenged to tell family and friends that they loved them and to start a chain of reaction with acts of kindness.

I am encouraging you all to do the same. It's so simple. Call someone that you love and TELL them you love them. Maybe they will be encouraged to do that same. Don't judge or find something wrong with someone – look for the good.

Make it a habit and you may start a chain reaction!

http://www.rachelschallenge.com/

I love you!!!
J

New Beginnings....

2009-03-25T15:20:00.001-07:00

I was reading one of my daily devotionals and it said that once we FINALLY learn to trust God and give our troubles to Him for handling that it's not easy. We question if he is really there, we question if his love is sincere, and we even question if we are making the right decision to put Him in the driver's seat. It's not easy. During this spiritual walk, it hasn't been easy for me. But after reading the devotion, I realized that only the beginning is difficult. The beginning is the most trying and requires the most patience.

It's like learning to read, riding a bike, or even as simple as a child learning to walk. These are things that seem simple to us in our day-to-day lives, as we've gotten older. However, think back when you were learning to read (or your first chemistry or calculus class if you can't remember reading…lol). It was difficult. It was a process and you didn't start off knowing all the words, compounds, or even convoluted math equations for that matter. You began learning the first steps and built a foundation. A baby scoots, crawls, stands, steps, then walks. When you take your first bike ride your parents make sure that your bike has training wheels. If you did well they may have taken one off before taking both of them off and even before they let you go completely they walk behind you with their hand on your seat. When you learned to read you learned your alphabet and sounds first, words, then finally sentences. The more advanced your lexicon the more advanced books you are able to read.

So knowing these things, why is it that we expect our walks in faith to be easy. Why is it that we expect to not go through anything? Why do we expect that our first encounters with faith should be easy? Shouldn't we expect that faith is a growth process and that while we know trials or tribulations will never be a cakewalk that the first ones should be the most challenging? That we are learning to trust God, believing in His word, knowing that He is real is all a process.

The beginning is always difficult in any task that we attempt. However, we need to stay the course in walking, running, riding a bike, and trusting God to reap the benefits. There is no rewarding in quitting. There is no reward in not trusting and going through the process.

Stay the course because the worst will be over soon…

The Most Simple of Messages...

2009-03-07T21:17:00.001-08:00

So mid-week I decided that I would fast. I typically fast because I feel that I need some direction from God, especially when I need clarity or discernment regarding a specific situation.

Well, the most interesting thing happened this time around…the day I began a young woman sent me a note on Facebook regarding the blog I had written. She mentioned that my fast was supposed to be between me and God and no one else; that I shouldn't share the idea of doing it with anyone. Another young woman sent me a message, the same day, which said I should focus on scriptures and that fasting without focus in the word is pointless. To which I agreed, especially since my last fast was unsuccessful for that same reason.

This time around the fast was more about clarity and discernment. I wanted to do a 6 AM – 6 PM fast and do a Daniel Fast for the evenings. It started of well but by day 2 it became a struggle. Not because of hunger pangs, but because of I wasn't certain I was 'in' the fast. By day 3, I was sure that I wasn't. It was definitely concerning and I wasn't sure what to think. The friend with whom I was fasting called and we had a discussion.

I explained to her that I didn't understand what the problem was and couldn't figure out why I wasn't into the fast. It seems that something may have just clicked during that conversation! I was so all over the place in wondering if I should extend the fast, if I should quit, if I should do 24 hours versus 12 hours.

After the conversation was over she sent me a list of scriptures to read. And what really stuck out to me was that I was fasting for the wrong reasons. I needed to really focus on the word and delve into versus fasting and hoping for some revelation. So I decided to end the fast and focus more what I need to do instead of trying deprive myself and receive a message. I need to get into the word of God and stay there...seek peace there and not just in fasting.

It's amazing how God whispers and when you learn to listen it's even better! It took me a second time to have to hear it, but I am glad that I got the message early on this time!!!

The next time I fast it will be for good reason; in the meantime I will be reading the word daily and getting my messages and guidance from the Bible. When that guidance isn't enough, THEN and only then will I fast instead of doing it the other way around.

Chris Brown vs. R. Kelly

2009-03-05T17:06:00.001-08:00

Today, it was breaking news that Chris Brown would be charged for attacking Rihanna. I can't say that it came as much of a surprise. Nor was I surprised to hear that they snuck to Diddy's Miami home to reconcile and secretly marry. Not sure if the marriage part has been confirmed, but either way WHY would Diddy want to be any part of this fiasco and assist in their reconciliation.

Anyhow, it's beginning to annoy me that folks are all up in arms about this particular situation and will STILL through on a R. Kelly cd and rock the heck out. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT condoning Chris' action and think that he was DEAD wrong for hitting on Rihanna.

However, this incident has caused to question the values of our community. We will say Chris' career is over because beat the dog poop out of Rihanna, but R. Kelly likes young girls.... aren't they equally as disturbing? (I would venture to say that R. Kelly is worse)

I've sat and talked to a many of folk on this topic and no one can really give me an answer. In the sauna the other day the response was 'well, they couldn't prove it was R. Kelly on the tape'. Well I blame the ill-prepared prosecutor for that one and laugh all in the same breath. I've sat and talked to women, my age, that have told me how R. Kelly would be at their high schools YEARS ago trying to holler at them. His own family has come out and say he has a problem with teenaged girl, R. Kelly's mentor, George Daniels, has disowned him for dating his daughter, AND (God bless her soul) he married Aaliyah at the sweet age of 15!!!!

Seriously people, the man is a pedophile. He may not be after your 10 year old, but please believe if he sees your 15 year old it's on and poppin'.

I heard a radio personality say that he didn't even want to play Chris' music anymore because he was just THAT disgusted by him...but a joint with R. Kelly came on with in minutes...SERIOUSLY!!!!

So why is it okay to denounce Chris Brown's career as over and not R. Kelly's....

I remember watching the infamous tape and folks saying that they would never buy another R. Kelly cd again...but no sooner than 'Chocolate Factory' was released and ONE track got played on the radio...folk RAN to the music store to cop it (including me).

So is it fair to say that Chris Brown's career will only need a year or so for this to be water under the bridge and he move on...

Or will we have double standards and will he really be cast out of the entertainment industry?

Learning to Listen...

2009-03-04T17:10:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine posted this in his status today and it made me think....

Numbers 23:19
God is not man, one given to lies, and not a son of man changing his mind. Does he speak and not do what he says? Does he promise and not come through? (think he used a different interpretation though)

The last year of my life has been rough and the last few months have been like no other. While it's been a constant struggle for me to remain positive, I have to admit that I've been happier in these 'side effect' months than I have been in as long as I can remember...AND I've never been around more positive and supportive people than I am today!

I'm learning me and I'm learning God. It's definitely been a spiritual refining process. I've learned the hard way that I don't have control and that I, for lack of a non-cliche saying, need to let 'Jesus take the wheel'. Don't get me wrong, I've been stressed like NO other. However, through it all there is a peace in me that I can't explain to be anything but the Spirit.

I fret because I can't control. I worry because I can't control. I cry because I can't control. I workout like a rant mule, at times, because I can't control.

I'm learning to let go and let God but it's not easy. Faith, alone, isn't easy. Faith, by definition is firm belief/trust in what cannot be proven. Fidelity/allegiance to one's promises...for me it's that 'one' is God.

I've learned to lean on faith because I have NOTHING else to lean on. Not that family and friends aren't great, but there is only so much that they can do and I have to trust that God can and will do everything for that I need.

It's that aforementioned calm that allows me to share my most intimate feelings and hope that someone can grow or learn from them as I experience them.

So if you haven't figured it out, I fast when I need to hear God speak to me. Directly to me, to give me peace. All of that to say...it's time to fast again. (No, I didn't do anything for Lent...what I need to do is year round and needs to become a habit...not just a 40 day stint...if that makes sense.) My bff and I will be doing what I call a hard core fast within in the upcoming weeks.

I'm doing this fast because I feel I am struggling to keep faith and focus. I need to remember I don't think anything but pure hunger can make me pray more than I've been praying now! And nothing can bring me crosser to the good Lord than a few good hunger pains at this points. So I'm going hard...no food for at least 7 days.

Pray for my focus and that I don't give up....check my status for updates on when I will start...thinks it's in the next few days need to firm that up...lol

I'm scared....lol

(Side note: Guess what just came on the radio....'Never Would've Made It'. EVERY time, I am thinking of God and am in serious prayer/thought about the need of strength I hear this song....I no longer believe in coincidences and believe that God speaks to me in the most subtle of ways...this song is one of them and it let's me know that my breakthrough is coming...I just have to hold on!!! *tears*)

The Message

2009-02-03T17:38:00.000-08:00

So I had my cathartic moment yesterday...

I was on the phone with one of my new found girlfriends and was explaining how BADLY my ego was bruised because HOWARD UNIVERSITY sent me a declination letter for entrance into their law program. I was offended honestly and as I was explaining all of this to her she said in a very soft toned, but still authoritative voice 'you need to get over it'. She went on to explain that egos in in the field of law will get the best of any attorney because one is always being compared to another's school, rank, grades, etc.

It was at that point that I got my 'aha' moment....maybe that's what most of my struggle has been over the last few months and why I needed to go through ALL of the stress, pain, heartache...did I say stress? All of it so that God could slap my ego in check.

While I've never really been a gloater, I have always had the attitude that I've worked hard for everything I want so dammit I get what I want. I know I'm smart, I'm a hard worker, and know that if I put my mind to it that I could outshine some of the best. Ask any of my classmates...when I was in grad school they will tell you that I was the one who always ask EXTREMELY tough questions to groups presenting in marketing (partly bc I loved marketing and partly bc I felt like I had to be that much more on top of my stuff because I came into the program at a disadvantage.)

With all of that said, after I became a side effect of the economy (lol...my new term for being laid off)...I was offended..because I knew it was some bull. And while it's been tough, I've learned so much and put many things into a new perspective. And yesterday, it was my ego.

I think God tried to check me when I was in grad school and couldn't find an internship (that was ROUGH!) but I think I got the message now.

My ego, while it's not loudly advertised, I'm learning means absolutely nothing. It's my faith in God and his guidance that gets me where I need to be. And while I've been through some roguish ish in my life, I have never been in a situation where all I know has been questioned and have been forced to be still and wait on God. My skills, resume, great interview skill, and personable skills have gotten me no where in the last few months...but what has gotten me somewhere is my faith in God. While I do worry, stress, and even cry (almost daily...lol) about my lack of progress in finding a job, there is still a calm in me that I can't explain. When I cry, there is something in me that is SOOOOO calm and reminds me not to worry. When I get down, there is something that says 'he got this'...and sometimes that makes me cry even more because I know it's spirit of God in me...letting me know that he's got this.

I think the last four months of my life have been as tumultuous as they've been for the reason of knocking me down to build me up (***FLASHBACK...lol****) Taking that God forsaken ego away from me and forcing me to lean on God and recognize that without him NOTHING is possible.

I thank him everyday for what I do have and ALL blessing bestowed upon me even the small ones. ( You should be doing the same!)

I think I finally got it! My ego is not all it's caked up to be...and I am working to let it go.

What about you?

Daniel Fast - Day 11: The Continuation of Inveterate Growth

2009-01-16T17:13:00.000-08:00

I just got home from seeing 'Notorious'...it's great, so if you didn't have plans to see please do. It brought back a TON of memories. Rhonda and I were COMPLETELY rocking out in the theater that was filled with a TON of high school students (yes, they skipped school to see it, which I don't understand because they weren't old enough to really know who he was....but I digress....lol)

So as I listen to 'Life After Death' and think about what I got from the movie: a.) as much as I love Tupac he WAS terribly paranoid and probably ruined a GREAT friendship b.) Biggie, when died, was at a point in his life where he was growing and had finally realized, as it's said in the movie, 'in order to change the world, we have to change ourselves'.

This blog is about change and what it means to me.

I often think that music would be much better if the artists actually experienced a cathartic mental growth spurt and realized that life isn't just about money, cars, women/men, and other materialistic things. Just as Big realized, life is about family, friends, love, growth, maturity and making an impact.

He did just that in his short life. But imagine if he had more time on this earth to make a positive impact....

While Big doesn't have that kind of time, if you are reading this blog...YOU HAVE TIME.

Don't get me wrong change isn't easy, by anyone's definition, but it is necessary. If we didn't change, if we didn't grow...imagine the travesty in that. A father, who didn't have his father around as a child, repeats the same cycle with his children. A mother, who is a crack addict, not realize the pain she is causing her children and the example she is setting for her children. A young man, that sells drug, realize the pain he is injecting to his community...I think you get the point.

I am sure that we all know one of these people. Think of how you felt when you saw that person or even yourself finally transition from a bad habit/lifestyle. Didn't it hurt?

Well change is supposed to hurt. A great person once told me 'you can have no testimony, with no test'.

So as I am learning to do, embrace the pain in order to fully understand and accept the change. If we have nothing painful to refer to, we would so easily revert to our negative ways/habits/lifestyles. There has to be some fear or consequence or pain....think about it. You don't randomly walk into the street because you are afraid of being hit by a car...PAIN.

So on day 11 of my Daniel Fast, I've realized that 'the continuation of inveterate growth' is important to me. While today is a struggle and it hurts like I imagine having septuplets with epidural would feel, I am going to embrace this pain and look forward to the change the God is creating in my life.

So as I sing the hook to Biggie's 'Sky's the Limit', I ask WILL YOU JOIN ME?

SIDE NOTE: I don't proofread these blogs...excuse the typos and grammatical errors. I write from the heart and keep it moving....toodles!
--

Daniel Fast - Day 5: The Continuation of Inveterate Growth

2009-01-08T17:14:00.000-08:00

I think this fast is about learning what is important to me...I mean REALLY and TRULY important. And besides the obvious - God and family - girlfriends have become a staple in my everyday life.

For most women, having girlfriends is normal. For most of my life I have had only 4 women that I have been close to...that have really had an opportunity to know me AND my vulnerabilities: Teia, Qui, Vi, and Tj. That's it. Others have known certain aspects of who I am, but never me as a total package. For no reason in particular, but I just didn't care to be around women.

Men were much more interesting and fun to hang out with. (which is probably why I can't get a date...lol) Men and I have football and boxing in common, they don't like drama and neither do I, I hate arguing and nagging so do they, I say what I have to say once and that's it (now anyway...had to grow into that one) and most men are the same way. Some of this may have been to my detriment because I knew all the dirt my boys did...lol But I was always considered one of the boys...I mean heck most women don't want to go to the gun range!!!

Until I moved to Chicago...none of my boys were around and I was starting to accept that being part of the boys isn't always cool...as a girl anyway. It was one of my boys that pointed it out to me, but it was at that point that I began to really hang out with girls...and enjoy it!!! lol

Since being here, I have developed friendships with several women that I have grown to love and respect. They have helped me grow spiritually and learn more about me. These women, while all different in their own right, are all the same. They are good friends.

Some that know me know that I am SOOO serious about friendship and don't take it lightly. I just don't do well with what old folks call 'fair weather' friends...I've known it all along, but it has really rung true these last few months.

So in day 5 of my inveterate growth, I am thanking God for girlfriends!

I mean my boys are IT but sometimes men just don't say/do the right things sometimes. There are days where we just need to coddled, have a good cry, and say 'F' the world while we sing 'it's just one of those days'!

Can I make today an official 'Girlfriends Day'? Not sure I have that authority, but hey it's worth a shot! lol

Daniel Fast - Day 2: The Continuation of Inveterate Growth

2009-01-07T17:15:00.000-08:00

Don't worry I don't think that I will be writing a note EVERYday of this fast! lol

But before I begin with my note...I have to say that I may be extending my fast...not sure for how long BUT I ate french fries last night! So not what Daniel intended....lol

Now on to the note...

Last night I had the pleasure of attending 'Urban Dialogue', a chance for folks to just come fellowship and just talk about what's on their mind. The first half was somewhat typical - women complaining about men and men complaining about women - but during the second half there was a questioned posed that sparked a SERIOUS tone in the conversation.

'Ok, Barack is President, now what?' (well that is the equivalent of what was asked)

To my surprise (definitely because of my jaded view) folks did not get on the 'Barack is Our Savior' kick...(Thank God!) But instead talked about how his is only a man and can do what he can do but that the responsibility ultimately falls on in our hands. We went on to talk about what needs to be done, how to get people motivated to act, and who is really the blame...

With that, I decided to blog...

I am not sure that we have reached the day where we've (black folk) have stopped blaming them (white folk) for our problems. Slavery was wrong but what we do to ourselves is worse. We demean each other, we don't support one another, and we don't care about one another. You really don't these issues (to the effect that they are affecting us) in any other racial/ethnic group.

So while I won't get on the soapbox and complain about what is wrong with us...I have a question.

How many of you reading this have reached back to others, volunteered, or became actively involved in your community?

More specifically, BLACK MEN what are you doing? We need you most. While I volunteer as a mentor and do other projects that support young black men...there is only so much I can tell or teach a young man. We all know that young black men are suffering at disproportionate levels, so there is no need for me drag on about it.

Instead, I am BEGGING, on BENDED KNEE ASKING for black men to step up and mentor.

I mentor with Chicago Youth Centers and there are more young white men mentoring our young black men than you are. (Let me digress and say that any mentoring is better than none and their efforts are SOOO appreciated, but sometimes these young men can't relate…they need you too, they need to know that you care!) They need a positive image of a black man other than Barack Obama, they need to know that there are other positions/places in life that are attainable other than possibly president….that Barack isn't a fluke because he's mixed (lol…I think I heard that somewhere), that black men are and can be positive contributors to society whether it be a president, an attorney, a garbage man, and more importantly a father.

Many of them don't have fathers in their lives. Many of them come from single mother households and single mother cannot teach their sons to be men….we need our men to do that.

Again, men please mentor and give back it only takes a few hours a month but you CAN make a difference.

(I feel like Sally Whatshername from the feed the kids commercials…lol)

If you are in Chicago and are interested in mentoring Chicago Youth Centers has a plethora of young men on a waiting list to be mentored.

Contact:
Christy Beighe-Byrne
773-268-3815
Christy.beighe-byrne@chicagoyouthcenters.org
--

Welcoming 2009 With Open Arms...

2008-12-31T17:17:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking all day of what I would and wouldn't include in this blog...I love reflecting but didn't just want the blog to be about things of 2008 and what half behind resolutions I could come up with...

As some of you know 2008 was rough for me. I had a grandmother who fought and beat pancreatic cancer (which was a blessing in itself), a person who I thought I could trust betray me, was in a financial bind like no other and so much more that I could keep going but won't. What I want to do is focus on what I've learned and what I've realized is important to me.

Because of my grandmother's illness, I realized how important family was to me. I've began to reconnect with certain family members who I believe add value to my life (my stepmother, my brother, and a few cousins). Because I had a issue with someone whom I thought was my friend, I learned to value the true friendships that I have and weed out those that I realized during rough times were not truly my friends. Because I've had more time on my hands than typically needed (lol) I have realized that I have been sitting like a lame duck on my dreams of being an attorney and finally applied to law school.

Yesterday, I visited my spiritual advisor and she told me that I was a 'spoiled punk' and if you know me...I immediately thought 'who you think you talking to...I ain't no punk' but then after I left...I seriously thought about what she said. She mentioned that folks always was claim they love God but don't want to go through anything to prove that love and even worse are quick to throw up their hands when the pressure is on.

You know what she was right...I have been blessed in so many ways and this is the first few years of my life (more so this year than last) that I have ever REALLY had to struggle and fight. There were many times where I would think that I was at my tipping point and that the more I leaned on God the worse off I became. (Of course when I told her that I got checked and reminded that God does not let us down and not to let the devil get the best of me)

So as I enter 2009, I committed to always remembering that God has my back and the devil is just a mere inconvenience at times. To remember that even though times are hard, I need to keep my faith and thank God for all things...even the small things because with out his faith and grace it could be worse. To remember how I would feel if I was not in the graces of God. To let those that I love and care for know that I love and care for them. Remind people that when things seem tough that there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for NO MATTER WHAT and that things could be worse...so be thankful before they get worse! For those in my life that don't have faith and are not positive...you will be removed from my life...I need supportive family and friends. To accept that what I want may NOT be what God intends for me (that's a hard one).

I will continue to fight through these tough times because God has something in store for me greater than I could imagine. He will not fail me...so devil get off my back!

My motto for 2009...

IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY APPLES, DON'T SHAKE MY TREE

While I don't tend to do resolutions, I will say that my goal is to be me..in and out. No sugar coating...so take the good and that bad. I'm telling your rough times will make you clearly baby!!!

I love you all and be safe in whatever you do tonight and throughout the year. God loves you, love him back!

ما شاء الله
Masa' Allah (God has willed it),

J

Homosexuality & Church

2008-12-22T17:23:00.000-08:00

Since I got a great response on the last blog, I figured that I would ask other about other things that are on my mind when it comes to church.

I think most religions agree that homosexuality is an abomination.

Prior to my 'spiritual refining process' I was a hard core 'do you, I do me' when it came to friends that were LGBT. I thought it was empowering to see folks have to deal with so much emotional and then say to the world 'screw you this is who I am'...I admired them hands down and only wished I could be so bold and less self conscious about things.

When I started this LONG and CONVULSIVE walk (another blog) my spiritual advisor (another blog...lol) mentioned that the Bible (and I later found the Qur'an) specifically mentions homosexuality through the story of Lot and Sarah... remember the lady that turned to a pillar of salt? OK so what I can rather from her interpretation and the my own reading is that God sent the angels to destroy the cities near/around Sodom (you get it... sodomy?) where men were engaging in sex with men and not with women...even after Lot offered his daughters to them...ok so the men were so off the chain that they were trying to get at the angels....and the angels became enraged told Lot and his family to run away from the city and NOT turn back..so we know where it goes from here..Sarah turns around and becomes a pillar of salt...his daughters end up getting him drunk and having sex with him...so on and so forth...

OK so based on that story CLEARLY God is against (to say the least) homosexuality. So I had to step back and do some thinking...while I cannot say for sure that LBGT are born or not born a certain way...I do feel that today's youth are straight losing their minds and think that the LGBT lifestyle is a trend and and the 'in' thing to do....(another blog...again...lol)

So now how does all of this relate to my questions about church....

Well, I have been to several churches that include LGBT folks into the fold and even have ministries, others that cast shame on the lifestyle and let them know they are not welcome, and only one (DC's Mount Calvary) that said we welcome you, BUT you are wrong and need to get right and this is how you start....

My questions are these...

Shouldn't the approach of all churches be the latter? Aren't believers not supposed judge and the help folks be saved from their demons? Why is that some churches DOG LGBT folks and won't even accept them and work with them? If LGBT folks are in church and don't want to change their lifestyle...should they be prayed for and it turned over to God? Should they really be outcast and treated like second class church folks/citizens?

And even more controversially, would someone really chose to be something where they are criticized and treated unfairly? Is it like asking if I could choose to be Black? If one is LGBT is it really fair to just say it's a demon and they need to work on their relationship with God to be cured? Aren't they too loved by God no matter their sexuality? Would God really allow someone to be born that way if it were a sin of cataclysmic proportions? How do can it be explained that a child feels differently at such a young age, having not even been exposed to such behavior?

Looking for thoughts and feedback...as you can see...I am confused and really don't understand.

Disclaimer: For anyone reading this...know that this conversation is not one where I have intended to offend anyone...just looking for clarification on churches and religious beliefs when it comes to homosexuality. This is not a forum to blast anyone or judge for any reason...just for me to understand and get perspective from anyone who wants to participate...

The Danger of Pretentious Worship

2008-12-21T17:24:00.000-08:00

Some of you may or may not know that I am going through what the Bible calls a 'spiritual refining process'...I am not a religious/church person by any right and certainly won't front as if I claim to be BUT I can say that I am on a journey on growing spiritually with God/Allah or what ever your Bible/Qur'an/Torah call Him.

I have to preface this note by saying I, for many years, have been a skeptic of Black churches because I have uncles that are preachers/pastors and are just shady...so I kind of projected that image on all Black churches...unfair...but true. I'm working on that now by visiting churches (and maybe eventually mosques and synagogues)....I believe more in spirituality than in religion. I respect them all and their beliefs and believe that we are all serving the same Higher Power, but in our own ways and through our own belief systems...

OK now that I've gotten that out of the way....

I have been visiting a church on Chicago's south side and have even considered joining (which is HUGE for me) but today during service I got confused and need your help in interpreting this message...I'm still new to this...lol

The visiting pastor read from Luke 7: 36 - 50 and spoke of the danger of pretentious worship. He said that the Bible says 'to make a joyful noise' and that to come into a sanctuary and not (for lack of a better term) 'whoop and holler' is being pretentious because folks are worried about not seeming real. Now I'm not gone lie there are some folks who I believe go to church just for the pomp and circumstance, but I know that there are some folks because of their personalities, how they express themselves, and even how they were raised to express themselves in church cry aloud, speak aloud, dance around, and may even fall out....but in their hearts it's real.

Shouldn't that be what matters...what's in a person's heart...the Bible says that God knows your heart so do pastors really expect that folks should shout and do a call and response in service to prove their love for God? Can't make a joyful noise just mean to speak of God in a positive light, be thankful and let others know you are thankful for his blessings?

Here is where my dilemma is....

When I go to church and the choir or the pastor hit's that spot, says something that I need to hear or even that Spirit has just moved me...I cry. I don't scream and shout and don't run around the perimeter of the church, and I definitely don't fall out. I have a weird background...I was baptized Lutheran, went to a Catholic grade school, and a Jewish high school AND my name is Arabic and highly regarded by Muslims. So a child I was never taught or even saw folks express their gratitude for God aloud...when I did see it for the first time in high school...it kind of freaked me out and I didn't understand it.

SO.....what I am asking to my FB homies is to help give me some perspective....

Because I don't express myself aloud in church, does that mean I am being pretentious?

Daniel Fast Day 2

2008-05-21T17:18:00.000-07:00

Well…here I am on day 2 and you know what…I'm not hungry (I think I ate one too many potatoes!)…lol I can't say that I have completely absolved my issues from day 1 and taken heed to the 'pray for your enemy deal' but what I can say is that I am a work in progress…I now know, understand, and accept it…the hard part is letting go. It's part of the process and trust me I am working on it...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Today the devotionals focused on what God does is in His own time and not ours…all that we do if it isn't according to his plan, it will all be in vain. Even when we think we are failing…we are successful, but all is according to God's plan and with his plan we can't fail. We may not like the path…but we have to accept it and live it or it (whatever it is) will be in vain.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3: 11 (NIV)

What was most interesting was how it all tied together and how it hit the core of my daily devotional partner. Now don't get me wrong I am not ALL up in the church…but I do find it amazing that EVERY devotional tied together and was EVERYTHING she needed to hear. I was stunned and shocked for part of the devotional because I could sense of immense it was for her and how she was taking heed to the message presented…I admired her at that moment.

The devotional didn't really hit me until I got to work…(you may know (or not) that I have a spiritual advisor who I thank for piercing my 'spirituality' veil that I was beginning to develop)…I got a call from a recruiter telling me that the company where he was looking to place me didn't think I had enough experience HOWEVER he had another opportunity and began to present it to me. I can't say that I was entirely thrilled (after calming down)…however, it sounds like a good job that would give me great experience to more forward. I was definitely more excited about the interview and the HOPE of getting a new job! lol

I then thought back to this morning's devotional and the scripture above and had to check myself. I realized that 1. I should be happy that I have an opportunity…hell I become unemployed and need to be grateful…even if it's for the interview. 2. This may be my next move…and it's not up to me to judge that right now…I can't go into the interview with any pretenses, I have to give my BEST performance. If it's not for me, I won't get it. That simple. So, I will be prepping tonight and will plan to do my best. (BTW…I know that it's all according to God's plan, but you can still wish me luck or pray for me..whatever you prefer…heck…the devil may be lurking…lol …seriously…lol)

So today is a day of checking myself…it is a reminder of day 1 (praying for the enemy) because all will be done according to God's plan (day 2).

Daniel Fast Day 1

2008-05-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

Those of you who REALLY know me know that I have been on this spiritual quest for the last few months…(again…spritual not religious…that's a whole 'nother blog…lol...because the Lord KNOWS how I feel about churches and religion!!!!)

Over the course of the next few days I will post a series of blogs having to do with my thoughts as I complete Daniel's Fast. I'm not sure if these blogs are for you or for me…but wanted to at least put it out there and see what I got from it at the end. Who knows…maybe it's both.

Why am I doing Daniel's Fast…well, I am at a point in my spirituality where it is necessary. I have been dealing with some rough situations that have taken a toll on me emotionally and spiritually. One in particular really has touched me to the core and I need clarity…I need to focus on trusting God's plan…and lean on the everlasting arm…lol!!!! (sorry Mahalia I had to…lol)

So…a girlfriend and I decided to do a spiritual fast and daily devotions (ya'll know I have a problem praying aloud …so this is a challenge…on my word…lol)

Today is the first day…and to be honest…I have been tested already. As SOON as I got up out of the bed and no sooner than I got off the phone saying 'AMEN' that I got the nastiest email from my 'test'. I say my test because I chose to believe that God is testing me and seeing if I can truly let go of this person and this situation….some have witnessed my ignorance and know that it can come out pretty quickly…however seeing that I had just prayed about this test…I had to up and PRAY again…to be calm and to begin to let go…so I didn't respond…which was really hard for me because LORD knows that I don't like being punked….but I had not even been a good 60 minutes into my fast and I refused to mess up that fast! I turned the other cheek…to my surprise…it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Lol Now that, my dear, is a miracle…lol

Anyhow, the devotional we read today was RIGHT on time…it came from Luke.

"But I say to you that listen, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you." -- Luke 6:27-28

Now that is powerful…

You mean…I'm supposed to pray for the fool that did me dirty…the mofo that messed me up…wow…that takes a lot…hence why Luke 6:27-28 is the name of Day 1.

That's what I am working on today. Praying for those that are my enemies….and my focus cuz a sista is HUNGRY!!!!

Trying to love fools that do me DIRTY,

WTF is going on with our kids!!!!

2008-04-01T17:20:00.000-07:00

Well, ya'll know that I break out the blog when something is on my mind and I need to hear others' input and thoughts on the subject…well here we go...

Let me first tell you about the series of events leading up to this blog.

Saturday: volunteered at CPS science fair where student did a project on teens and drugs…she said that over 65% of students in her school use drugs or alcohol…not beer…but alcohol…remy, belvedere, etc…not just weed, but ecstasy pills.

Monday: CPS student killed by gunfire…think that make 22nd since the school year started and now teens are starting to rally for gun control.

Tuesday: Debate on talk radio (Roland S. Martin show) of who is at fault…the parents or the schools…

So here I am thinking about it at work today…almost in tears because our youth are killing themselves…it's disheartening to see…but I am at a loss…don't know what to do. How did we get here? Where are we going? I don't think that youth care…hell, I think that some of their parents (especially those that drink and smoke with their kids) think about it either. Why are we perpetuating cycles of failure? Do we not see that we are only killing ourselves?

So who is at fault? Parents? Schools? Community? Music Industry? I mean we all know the African proverb that states it take a village to raise a child…does that still stand? If so, we are all at fault for failing this generation. Although, I think about it and when you do say something to a youth now days you have to be EXTREMELY careful because some of them have no respect…they will cuss you out or try and fight you … Others will listen…but will they change? So what's the point…for the one or two that might change? Who knows…

Who is going to be our guide through this? Do we need one or do we need to just take personal responsibility? Do we need a modern day Dr. King? As we approach the 40th anniversary of Dr. King's death….I wonder was it all in vain? I mean what difference does it make if some of us get good jobs and drive nice cars if:
we don't reach back ?
we are killing ourselves?
we are letting our youth fail?
Lots of questions…no formal opinion yet…just want to hear/read what you have to say about it.

Expectations Are Premeditated Disappointments -

2007-11-13T17:21:00.000-08:00

I was looking at my brother's music page and noticed his quote - 'Expectations Are Premeditated Disappointments'.

Damn…that is a powerful statement. Think about it. How many times have you had an expectation of something and it was a sure enough disappointment. In life you expect to be treated fairly, you expect to get that promotion, you expect your significant other to remember important dates and events…..the list goes on and on.

Sometimes these expectations can cause a great deal of pain in our lives. We sometime expect people to have the same values or standards that we do. We often project our feelings of what we want on other people and most times it fails.

What I appreciate most about the statement is that it's a gentle reminder to check yourself. Expect what is realistic…if the person you are dating is always late…expect for them to be late – all the time! Don't expect that something will change just because it's important to you. People only change when they want to and when there is a significant emotional event tied to that behavior. Another lesson, another blog but you get the point.

Just curious…what big expectation of yours turned into a HUGE disappointment? Did you have signs that your expectation was a set up? How did that change your outlook on things?

Of course, mine relates to men and their issues because I don't have any ;). I recently dated a man that was more stubborn than I am willing to deal with….I was trying to cater to his issues and EXPECTED that he would change and do the same for me.

Lesson 1: People only change when they want and when there is a significant emotional event tied to that behavior.(remember that one??? )

Learned that quick. Lol When I realized it I walked away…I then learned that I can only control what I do and say. I cannot let someone else's attitude affect me…I have to change the way I react to their foolywang (that was my significant emotional event). i.e. get rid of the fool…lol

Lesson 2: Don't expect anything of anyone based on hope. An alcoholic won't stop drinking because you hope they will. Base your expectations on fact and previous experiences.

Ladies/Gentlemen, that is not a mandate to mistreat all men/women because a few hurt you. Okay!

In the words of TI "God won't take ya' to what he can't take ya' thu, ya'dig."

But prevent some of your heartache and pain…stop expecting and start being realistic.

Most powerful example...I expect Idris Elba to quit playing and act like he loves me too...but realistically...he's still in denial...nothing I can do about it.

I still love you Idi boo...lol

My Abusive Relationship

2007-03-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

I know that some of you will be shocked to read this and others won't…it really depends on how well you know me…I guess...

All in all I feel that it's time for it all to come out and for someone else to 'get something from it'…..this relationship has been abusive for almost as long as it can be called a relationship….years to say the least!

First it started off with subtleties…comments about his hyper-male aggression and how great of a man he was…then it became….because I am this hyper-aggressive man you should show me your 'other side', the less-tamed side. I figured that maybe was uptight and let go…when I did…it became a uninhibited cycle of demeaning words and actions. Today..it is more blatant than I would have ever imagined. It's b^t%# this and that hoe that and the third. It's become f*&k you b^t%# disrespectful….it's become hip hop.

Funny thing…I didn't even realize that it was abuse until about a week ago. I was leaving a fundraising meeting and was dropping a buddy off at home. We got in the car and I was playing the new 8 Ball & MJG….he was completely shocked and couldn't believe that I listened to that 'type' of music. I explained that I loved it and always had…blamed it on me growing up around scoundrels….lol

But then I thought about it….when I was out at a club….all of the women were ROCKING so hard to all of the most disrespectful music…'don't ask me what my name is stupid B I'm famous', 'let me buy you a drank, Imma take you home with me', etc…(ya'll know it gets worse!)…and I was just as guilty..DANCING HARD! I mean some of the songs that me and my girls rock out to are the most disrespectful ones….come on…Yung Joc's…Knock it Out..WTF…for real now!

But if a man approached me on the street with that foolishness…it's all out war!
Why should it be okay in music? Why do I dance to it in a club if it undermines everything that I am about? Does it make men think that it's okay to talk to women any kind of way? Does it set a precedent that it's okay for a man to demean and disrespect a woman? Does it signal to the music industry that this is what should be played on the radio and videos for kids to internalize and ultimately emulate?

I am having a crisis and don't know what to do? I love hip hop...but I feel abused! Thoughts?